A long restless night

Darn that almost-to-be supermoon. Its bright light made me think it was morning and it is barely 2 a.m. Jolted awake by hip pain, I was hoping it was almost time to get up and start my day.  Instead, I am faced with some long anxiety-filled hours before the alarm clock is due to ring. It has been a while since I have been up at this hour in pain, but in the past few weeks this scenario has become a regular occurrence.

At this late hour, I am scared, hurting and my mind is having trouble being positive. If you have read some of my recent posts, you know that I have been dealing with recurring hip pain, and that I had an x-ray that showed a possible pelvic stress fracture. However, the  orthopedic surgeon I saw wants me to have an MRI to rule out a few other things rather than simply dismissing my troubles to the probable stress fracture. One of the main reasons he suggested this is because my hips had been hurting a lot at night which could be a red flag for some more serious conditions. The orthopedist said that if my pain happened to ease up significantly before the MRI date, I could actually cancel the appointment. Unfortunately, the pain is not mellowing — it is getting worse.

I try really hard to not be one who dwells on the what ifs, but sometimes expecting that of myself is downright unrealistic. After all, my body hasn’t exactly proven itself trustworthy in that regard. So what is the big fear that has me hanging out in my recliner in the wee hours with a mug of Sleepytime Extra tea instead of snoozing blissfully in my bed? I am scared that I might have osteonecrosis. A major risk factor for this gem-of-a-condition (of which I am experiencing just about every symptom)  is a history of being on high doses of prednisone. I took up to 80 mg per dose when I was in the hospital during my final UC flare. My doctor assured me that the MRI that I am having this Monday is very good at picking up this disease and that he will let me know as soon as possible if anything shows up.

Until then, I am allowing myself the liberty to freak out a little. The results of my test will probably come back showing that everything is fine and that I am just dealing with a stress fracture. But in some strange way, ruminating over one possible worst case scenario at 2 a.m. on a Friday night is helping my brain cope with the uncertainty — because even in my mind’s wost imaginings, I can see glimmers of hope and the realization that I will be okay regardless of any struggles that lie ahead.

With that reassuring thought, I am going to head back to bed, armed with some mindfulness meditation exercises to help me relax and hopefully get some sleep.

7 thoughts on “A long restless night

  1. I’m thinking of you. I hope you find out soon and you can get back to sleep and doing what you love.

  2. I feel sorry for these new troubles you have, and wish you get well soon, no matter what diagnosis your doctors will give you.
    As for middle-of-night worries, from my own experience I can tell that, midnight is the best time to think about worse-then-worst case scenario, but it’s not a very good time to think about realistic “what ifs”. You can try one trick which sometimes works really well: either take a cold shower, or simply keep your wrists under cold water until you feel very cold. Go back to bed and use the warmth of your husband’s body to warm you up. Usually, this is the best relaxation ‘tool’ you can find at night 🙂

    1. Thanks Anna. Things do seem so much harder in the middle of the night. Usually when I get up in the morning the worries have abated to some degree, and I can be much more logical about things. I did sleep better last night… ten hours straight without waking up once. I think I was just so tired from the lack of sleep the night before that I was able to sleep deeply through any anxieties or pain. I will try your trick the next time the sleeplessness comes on. I hope your son’s surgery recovery is going well.

  3. Regardless of circumstance, the heroic Heidi I know shines through, radiating hope and victory into present and future. She also shows potent, restorative responses to worry and pain by acknowledging and writing out her feelings and practicing mindfulness meditation. In each of her posts, whatever the obstacle or event, Heidi lifts my spirit and inspires me toward self-improvement.

    Thank you, Heidi. Sending positive thoughts for your MRI and many sp~oo~ns for your spirit.

    Stay Strong,

    1. Thanks for the encouraging words Cary. I am glad you saw the post as positive because after I posted it I thought it might be too much of a downer. Usually I might save writing like this for my own personal journal, but I thought some good might come out of sharing such feelings openly. After all, I know we all feel fear, worry and sorrow. I should acknowledge those emotions as a part of my journey along with the hope, gratitude and perseverance I so often feel.

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